1.金鱼
Goldfish
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
Stan: In the bathroom 。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan: Blindfold them!
斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。
弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们？
斯丹：浴室。
弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办？
斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！
2.Whose Father Was the Stronger
Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger. Will said, “Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father's the one who dug the hole for it.”
Bill wasn't impressed, “Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My father's the one who killed it!”
威尔和比尔在为谁的父亲更强壮而争吵。威尔说： “ 喏，你知道太平洋吗？就是我爸爸为它挖的洞。 ”
比尔不屑一顾： “ 噢，那没什么。你知道死海吗？那是我爸爸杀死的。 ”
3.I Need Your Football
George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out to play? ”
“ No,” said the mother, “it's too cold. ”
“ Well, then, ” said George, “ can his football come out to play ? ”
乔冶敲着他朋友家的门。当朋友的妈妈来应门时，他问：“阿尔伯特可以出来玩吗？ ”
“ 不行， ” 那位妈妈说， “ 天气太冷了。 ”
“ 噢，那么， ” 乔冶， “ 他的足球可以出来玩吗？ ”
4.Send the Bill to My Father
Doctor： 〃I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary.〃
Patient： 〃then send the bill to my father，please.〃
医生：“对你的抱怨我无能为力。那是遗传病。”
病人：“那请你把账单给我父亲吧。”
5.我在谈一笔很大的生意
A young business man had just started his business, and rented a beautiful office. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
一个年轻人刚开始做生意，租了一间漂亮的办公室。坐在办公室，他看见一个人从外面走进办公室。装着很忙的样子，他拿起话筒，假装正在跟人谈一笔很大的生意。他从嘴里说出的，都是数目很大的数字，还有口气很大的许诺。
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone."
最后，他挂上电话，问来访者:“您有什么事吗？”来访者说:“哦，我是来装电话的。”
6. whats puberty(青春期) One evening, in the midst of dinner preparation, our 10-year-old daughter asked, "Mommy, what's puberty?" My wife was rushed at the moment, so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary, after which they could talk about it.
A few minutes later, Peggy returned. Her mother asked what the dictionary had said. "Puberty means," announced Peggy, "the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children."
"What do you think of that?" my wife asked.
"I'm not sure," Peggy relied. "I've always been able to bear children. It's adults I can't bear.".
青春期
一天晚上，在准备晚饭的时候，我们十岁的女儿问：“妈妈，什么是青春期？”我的妻子此时正忙得不亦乐乎，所以她建议佩吉到字典上查这个词，然后她们可以再讨论它。
几分钟以后，佩吉回来了。她妈妈问字典上怎么说。
“青春期的意思是，”佩吉宣布：“一个女孩能忍受孩子的最早年龄。”
“你怎么想呢？”我妻子问。
“我不知道，”佩吉回答。“我总能忍受孩子。让我忍受不了的是大人。
Note: bear children: 生孩子。bear 一词也可作“忍受”讲。
7.The Swimmer
The teacher told the class the story of a man who swam a river three times before breakfast.
Johnny laughed.
"Do you doubt that a good swimmer could do that?" asked the teacher.
"No, sir," answered Johnny, "but I wonder why he did not swim it four times and get back to the side where his clothes were."
游泳者
老师给同学们讲了一个小故事，说有一个人早饭前要在河里游泳，横渡三趟。
约翰尼笑了。
老师问道：“你不相信一个游泳很好的人可以做到么？”
约翰尼回答说：“不是的，先生，我是不明白他为什么不游四次，好回到他放衣服的那边。”
8.谁签署了独立宣言
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
He said, "Damn if I know."
She was a little put out(激怒) by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.
She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"
9.Why he couldn't leave?
There was a meeting with a large number of people. At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring. Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room.
The speaker walked up to the man and said, "Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room."
"Oh! Don't mention it!" replied the man, "I cannot leave because I am the next speaker."
10.Stupid Question
Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time, please?"
丹在一个大城市的某个俱乐部当守门人。每天都有数千人经过他的门口，而且许多人都会停下来问他:“请问现在几点？”
After a few months, Dan said to himself, "I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here." Then he did so.
几个月后，丹想:“我不想再回答这些蠢人提出的问题了，我要去买一只大钟，把它挂在这儿的墙上。”于是他买了一只钟，把它挂在了墙上。
"Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily. But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, "Is that clock right?"
“现在人们总不会再停下来问我时间了。”他高兴地想。可是打那以后，每天仍有许多人停下来，看看钟，然后问丹:“这钟准吗？”
11. 母亲节是五月的第二个星期日。今年母亲节那天，我为母亲买了一件毛衣和一束鲜花作为礼物，感谢母亲为我付出的辛苦。母亲收到礼物后，非常高兴。
Mother’s Day comes on the second Sunday in May each year. On that day this year, I bought a sweater and some flowers for my mother to thank her for her hard work for me. Receiving my gift, my mother was very happy.
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”
（6）She kindled a third match. Again shot up the flame； and now she was sitting under a most beautiful Christmas tree ,far larger, and far more prettily decked out, than the one she had seen last Christmas eve through the glass doors of the rich merchant's house. Hundreds of wax-tapers lighted up the green branches, and tiny painted figures, such as she had seen in the shop-windows, looked down from the tree upon her. The child stretched out her hands towards them in delight, and in that moment the lights of the match warm quenched； still, however, the Christmas candles burned higher and higher， she beheld them beaming like stars in heaven； one of them fell, the lights streaming behind it like a long, fiery tail.
“Now some one is dying,” said the little girl, softly, for she had been told by her old grandmother， the only person who had ever been kind to her, and who was now dead that whenever a star falls an immortal spirit returns to the God who gave it.
She struck yet another match against the wall； it flamed up, and surrounded by its light, appeared before her that same dear grandmother, gentle and loving as always, but bright and happy as she had never looked during her lifetime.
她擦着了第三根火柴，又冒出了火焰。现在她觉得正坐在非常美丽的圣诞树下面，比上次圣诞节透过那富商家的玻璃门看到的那株还要大、还要美。这株树的绿枝上点燃着许许多多的蜡烛，颜色瑰丽的图画，就象橱窗里挂着的那些一样漂亮，仿佛在向她眨眼。小姑娘把两只手伸过去，火柴又熄灭了。然而圣诞树上的烛光越升越高。她看到它们变成了明亮的星星，有一颗落下来，在天上划出一道长长的火丝。
“现在又有一个什么人死了。”小姑娘说。因为她的老祖母——一个唯一待她好的人，现在已经死了，曾经告诉过她，天上落下一颗星，地上就有一个灵魂回到曾赋于他生命的上帝那里去。
她在墙上又擦了一根火柴，火光把四周照亮了。在亮光里，亲爱的和生前一样的祖母出现了。她依然是那么的慈爱和温和，然而那快活和幸福的样子却是她生前从未有过的
（7）But the teacher cried
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
可是老师哭了
六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。
约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？”
“哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”
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