第一次写雅思作文，求高手批改！语法时态看下。大概能得几分啊，谢谢！

我可以肯定的告诉你，4分都不到。
首先，雅思是进入国外大学的门槛，是要检验你是否达到基本的grade12的english，所以要有清晰的思路和几乎零的语法错误。
你有以下几个错误：
1.文章结构不对。一般来说分为5段，开头+3段论点段+结尾
2.没有提出实际的论点，只有一些假设（if开头），老外是不喜欢看的，而且不会理解中文的思想。
3。要多用精简的句子。举例也不要太长，两句话足以。一般来说每段5-7句话最多了。
4.你的提纲有问题。我写一个给你作参考：

开头：
Modern technology has changed our daily life.（很抽象的总起句） People drive vehicles to work, use computers to type reports, and watch TV programs to entertain.（补充例子） Technology makes people live more easily because technology saves people's time on work, improves people's relationship, and provides people more job opportunities.(这句为整个文章的3个论点，要用排比。)Thus, modern technology makes people's life better.（总结句）

第一个body paragraph：（对应第一个论点）
Technology shortens people's time on work because new technology integrates lots of tasks that are helpful to do work. （第一句话提出总段的论点，但要用不同的词句去表达，用because 连接。）For example, when people do paper work, Internet is an effective tool that helps people find files. （第二句话给例子。）In the past, people wasted too much time on looking for an article in books; However, people now can easily search and read a lot of articles by just typing key words on the Internet. (解释例子) The increased rate of doing work can even provide employees a chance of promotion. (再扩展例子) Thus, technology helps people do their work fast.(总结句总结论点)

第二个body paragraph：（对应第二个论点，总体结构和上一段一样）
Technology helps people to build relationship with others because modern technology is popular in all over the world. Cell phone is a recent technical product, and functions in offering long-distance conversation. One advantage of cell phone is its size, which is so small and easy to carry anywhere. If people have cell phones, they can receive their families’ or friends’ calls anywhere. So, they will get closer to their friends or families. Therefore, technology improves people’s relationship.

第三个body paragraph：（对应第三个论点，总体结构和上一段一样）
Technology provides people more job opportunities because a lot of new jobs require the technologies that did not exist before. For instance, a lot of teens choose network maintenance staff, which is a novel job position, as their career. Because more and more people use Internet, problems relating to the network come after. Network maintenance staff is the job position to satisfy Internet users’ needs. Thus, technology gives people more new job positions to choose.

结尾：(结尾要和开头相对应，要总结论点。就像是把开头“倒过来”写。)
To sum up, modern technology improves people's life. (总结句) Technology saves people's time on work, improves people's relationship, and provides people more job opportunities. （3个论点）Modern technology has become the part of our life. We not only use modern technology, also enjoy it. (扩展主题)

希望以上的东西对你有帮助

4.5分可能会更低。。。偶实话实说，LZ别生气。
1.那个雅思第二篇文章属于议论文，LZ的文章结构就存在很大的问题。
2.没有提出论点，只有一些论据，会给了流水账的感觉。
3。句子太单调，都是主谓，或者是主系结构，if的状语从句。
4.句子间的连接词
建议LZ去买一本《十天突破雅思写作》或者是上培训班，雅思作文不像我们高中的作文。
先不说英语程度，就LZ的中文思维就有问题。

最后，还有弱弱的问下，那个作文题目有木有错了。怎么看，怎么觉得奇怪呢！？

有点wordy,特别第三段从那个LET'S开始，比较口语化，有点中文讲故事的味道，不太适合雅思。

应该5/5.5

人的一生中有许许多多的“第一次”，我也不例外。给我印象最深刻的是第一次煮饭这件事。

一天，我放学回到家。心想：我要为妈妈分担一点儿家务活。说干就干，可干什么好呢？煮饭既简单又容易，那就煮饭吧！于是，我舀了两杯米放进饭锅里，再放水进去，就开始洗米了：我把手伸进锅里，抓来抓去，见清水变浑浊了，我就把脏水倒去……这样反复了几次。将米洗干净后，再放入比米高一点儿的水，然后盖上锅盖，放在电炉上煮了起来。但毕竟是第一次煮饭，我心里忐忑不安的，生怕把饭煮糊了。于是，我来来回回地看了好几次，但还是不放心，人索性搬来一张凳子，坐在那儿等，等到冒气后，我就不知所措了，不知是马上关火，还是再等一会儿，也不知该等多久。忽然，我想起了妈妈说过冒气后，再煮四分钟左右就可以了。于是，我又耐心地等了四分钟后就关火了。我不知道这饭是煮糊了还是没煮熟？

中午，妈妈下班回来后，她闻到饭的香味，以为是爸爸回来了，可她往四周一瞧，没见爸爸，妈妈顿时明白了，她把我搂在怀里，说“儿子，你今天能为妈妈煮饭了，妈妈好开心哦！

“开饭啦！”妈妈在开锅舀饭时迫不及待地尝了一口，对我说：“你煮的饭真香，水放得刚好合适，火候也恰到好处，比你爸爸煮得都还好！真棒！”我听了乐哈哈地笑着说：“怎么样？你儿子不赖吧！”

通过这件事，我从中明白了：“第一次”并不难，关键是要细心和反复思索，这样才能成功！

还好的呀!应该有90分左右